Relationship and marriage: Should partners tell each other everything?

Emeh Joy

Is it possible to say everything and never hide something from your partner? That is the question- goes to married people and people in relationships. If your answer is yes, think about it again. There is the saying, "It is easier said than done".

A man telling his girlfriend a secret: Communication in marriage and relationship. Should partners tell each other everything including secrets?

Is it possible to say everything and never hide something from your partner? That is the question- it goes primarily to married people and people in relationships.

If your answer is yes, think about it again. There is the saying, "It is easier said than done".

We all want to be told things; we all want to have that close relationship and communication with our partners. We all want to feel like our partner trusts us enough to tell us things.

But what if that piece of information or gist is something that would ruin your relationship, another person's home or cause some major damage? Would you still go ahead and say it?

I have come to find out that not all people who say, "I want my man or my woman to tell me everything and be 100% honest or real with me" are truly ready for that statement.

Are you sure you can handle the truth, the secrets, the information?

keeping the communication line open with your partner

Intimacy goes beyond sex; you should know that. The ability to connect with your partner, feel they are always there, have the freedom to talk to them about anything that bothers you is a level of intimacy that even some people who have sex regularly do not have.

Ed Catmull of Creativity, Inc once said, "A hallmark of a healthy creative culture is that its people feel free to share ideas, opinions and criticisms. Lack of candour, if unchecked, ultimately leads to dysfunctional environments".

It means without that communication, the atmosphere around the relationship, marriage becomes dysfunctional.

When you have a high level of trust for your partner, you tend to reveal more rather than concealing; you connect with them instead of keeping them away.

Really, communicating fully and openly with your loved one is key to having a successful relationship. Couples who have strong relationships have always been characterised by having a deeper understanding and communication amongst each other.

When you are committed to being open and real with your partner, it promotes transparency, which further creates meaningful personal connections. It helps build a better relationship with your partner.

Is it okay to keep some things to yourself even while maintaining communication with your partner?

If you are an ardent reader of my writeups on relationships and marriage, you'll definitely notice that I love being practical. I'm not interested in what the tabloids say, but I'm more interested in being realistic.

How do things play out in everyday life, theories asides? What should you do in relationships, and what are their consequences? What do people in relationships and marriages experience? Such talks are what I'm interested in covering.

I'd love to get to that level where my partner and I talk about everything and anything. But is talking about "everything and anything" really attainable? I can't help but ask and ponder over that question.

Check these out. Will you be comfortable telling your partner:

  • You don't like their family?
  • Your family doesn't like them?
  • Your friend doesn't like them?
  • You don't like their friend?
  • Your friends' secrets?
  • They are why you are unhappy?
  • Things about your ex and how your relationship was with your ex?
  • About other men asking you out?
  • About a date you went on with an opposite gender?
  • The number of partners you've had in the past?
  • Did you cheat on your ex?
  • You don't like the gift they got for you?
  • Did you go through their phone?
  • Do you dislike something about them?
  • Do you hate how they dress?
  • Do you think they should lose some weight?
  • Do you think they are bad at something they love doing?
  • Your guilty pleasures?
  • How much do you earn?
  • You were out at the bar and not working late as they thought?
  • Your secret eating habits?
  • Something stupid or embarrassing that you did in the past?
  • What do your bills comprise of, and how do you spend money?
  • Do you wish they made more money?
  • Do you dislike their job?
  • You once committed a crime?
  • Something bad happened to you in the past, rape, for instance?
  • The people you are texting and why you are texting them?

I could go on and on listing things, many people might not be comfortable talking about. If your answer to at least 85% of the questions is yes, you are really on some high communication level with your partner.

If telling them everything also never caused an issue for you in the marriage or relationship, you and your partner need to be studied.

Okay, that was on a light note. I think at the end of the day, many factors will determine what one party tells another.

What is the nature of your partner? Are they good at keeping secrets, and how do they react to things?

This brings us to the next issue to discuss. Read along.

Why do people avoid telling their partner things?

Why do partners keep things away from each other? There are a couple of reasons why your partner may not want to tell you something.

They don't see themselves spending the rest of their life with you

If you are still at the level of dating and not married and you notice that your partner hides lots of things from you. They are not real with you. They don't tell you things about their family, friends, work, challenges they face etc.; it is possibly because they don't picture you both together in the long run.

Couples that are working towards a future together tend to be more open to each other. This is because they already know they will be spending the rest of their lives together so, why keep the whole secrets?

If your man or woman doesn't tell you important things going on in their life and continue keeping you at arm's length, then maybe you should reconsider your place in their life. Try to find out the direction of the relationship.

The fear of losing the partner

Another thing that stops some people from telling their partner everything is the fear of losing them. Not all secrecy is born out of a lack of respect, love or value.

In fact, for some people, it's the love for their partner that makes them withhold certain information from them. For instance, you might find it difficult to tell your partner that you were once convicted of a crime or that you were once raped.

There is that fear of rejection and also the fear of losing them. This has stopped many people from talking.

Lack of trust

There is also the trust factor. Imagine you are dating someone that is not good at keeping secrets. Will you still go ahead to tell them things?

I know of a married man that hardly tells his wife his plans. He started up a huge building project in the village, and the wife had no idea about that until it was almost completed.

When asked why he never told the wife, he said if he did, the whole city must have heard about it even before the house's foundation is laid.

So, here is the thing, some people have studied their partner to know well enough that they can't keep their mouth shut. Will you fault them when they keep things away from their partner?

The feeling that their partners won't be able to handle being told "everything"

Peoples nature is different, you know. Some are much more sensitive than others. For instance, telling someone things like you don't like their job, dressing, or a gift they got for you might hurt their feelings.

While some people would be able to handle it, others won't like to hear it, and some might get offended.

Do you love your partner? It doesn't have to be that hard; study them. What type of person are they? Even if they are overly sensitive, there is still a way around that.

Overly sensitive people easily react to the way people act towards them and things people say to them. However, it doesn't always mean they can't deal with criticisms; most can handle "constructive criticism" but not "destructive criticism".

In fact, whether your partner is sensitive or not, you should learn how to use words around them. You can tell them anything without sounding rude, offensive or hurting their feelings.

The problem isn't always about sending out the message; but it is even more about communicating it.

If you are scared of losing them after telling them about the little secret, then you should really give more serious thought to how to go about it before spilling it.

Some are mature enough, can handle even the big secrets, and prefer to tell them instead of keeping them to themselves.